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Here are some favourites: Dear Miss Trust,
Throughout, my Dad cheated on my Mom numerous times (10+ that I know of that he was caught in) including once with my Best Friend’s Mom. My parents always seemed to work things out and are still together but I know they have not been happy for a long time.
I have been in a GREAT relationship for a little over 2 years now. We live together and things were really good, but it just seemed like I woke up one morning and just didn’t trust him anymore. I know he is faithful to me, but I still feel as if I am doomed for him to cheat on me. It is as if my head knows and trust him but something in my heart keeps telling me that it is not possible for me to just be happy and in a healthy relationship. I have been finding myself questioning him about EVERYTHING that he has been doing lately and it is putting an awful strain on our relationship.
I know I can trust him, he is so wonderful to me, but how can I actually believe that what I think the inevitable is wont happen? How do I have my heart know what my head knows?
Please help, I want to change before I loose the best thing that has happened to me!
Amanda
Thanks for sending through your question, and I believe I can help you, if you believe you can take on what I suggest you do.
Firstly, you need to understand what is happening here. When we experience things or see things like you seeing your Dad cheating on your Mom, what happens is it creates Expectations in our minds at a subconscious level about what is likely to happen to us. Sometimes things happen throughout our lives that are nice and pleasant, and so they create Positive Expectations, but other things, like what you have described, create Negative Expectations.
The thing about Negative Expectations is this: even when someone Promises us something different, as your great partner has, and those Promises can be implicit or explicit (your partner's behaviour suggests that everything is fine, and he is probably telling you that he is loyal and faithful to you), because the Promise doesn't match the Negative Expectation ('my partner is going to cheat on me just like my Dad did with my Mom'), you actually believe the Negative Expectation over and above the Promise.
Until you can shift the Negative Expectation, it doesn't matter what your partner says or does, you actually can't believe him. This is the stuff that destroys relationships, so you want to do something about that, right!
Here's what you need to do, if you truly want this relationship to last, and I believe you do:
1. Explain to your partner what is happening for you, so you can work on this together
2. Know that he is different from your Dad, and you are different from your Mom, therefore things can and will be different for you
3. Reflect on why your Dad actually did what he did. What fundamental Need was he satisfying my cheating that wasn't being satisfied at home (we all seek out relationships and interactions to satisfy our Needs, and they are (in accordance with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs):
4. Have a conversation with your partner about his Expectations of you, and his Needs, and make sure you can Promise to meet those. As long as you can Promise, and do meet those Expectations and Needs, he will have no reason to go elsewhere, but you need to communicate them regularly. (This is what I call ENPs and is the base of all the work I do)
5. Tell your partner what your Expectations and Needs are of him, and make sure he can Promise to meet those. Make sure one of those is that he regularly communicate with you, especially if his Expectations and Needs change.
6. Change your Expectation from 'my partner is going to cheat on me just like my Dad did with my Mom', to 'my partner is different from my Dad so he will behave differently', and 'my partner and I will communicate regularly so I know what he Expects and Needs and I can choose to meet those, or choose not to'
7. Remember that as long as you communicate your ENPs, you can make informed choices about your relationship rather than feeling like things are happening that you have no control over. You both need to be honest, so if you find yourself ever feeling fearful, sit down and have a conversation about that.
I represent ENPs as bricks in a wall, and your trust sits like an egg on top of the wall, so if some of those Expectations or Needs are not being met, or some of the Promises made are not being kept, then the bricks start to drop out of the wall, and the trust is at risk of falling and breaking. That is what you need to avoid in order to have the trusting relationship that you both deserve.
Dear Miss Trust, I have just had some friends stay with me from the USA – I brought them over for a holiday because they are having some real life issues and I thought that a break might help. My friend (Mal) worked for a church as a youth Pastor for 5 years in the US. He then found out that some of the other leaders of the church were stealing money meant to go to mission fields in Africa. He considers this the ultimate betrayal of his trust for them and is now shattered. He has been unable to work for nearly 15 months now and he just feels that not only did these guys betray him but that God has also let him down.
I guess he is right about that, but how do I help him to get over it and move on.
Sincerely, Des - Wellington NZ
Dear Des,
First, Mal is very lucky to have a friend like you who is conscious of how damaging this kind of betrayal can be, but who is also willing to help. Good on you!
Let’s first tackle the ‘people’ issue:
Sadly, this sort of thing does happen, and in places where we would least expect it. One of the things that we all need to be aware of is that we will often have very high Expectations of others because of the position they hold, or because of the organisation and what it stands for. For example, many people would have an Expectation of people in the church that they are honest and people with integrity. That would probably be a logical Expectation, but is it realistic all the time, for everyone involved in a church?
At the end of the day, we are all human and we will all make mistakes and let others down. I think a more realistic Expectation could be that those people would work very hard at being honest in their dealings, and acting with integrity, but also that the church would have controls in place to safeguard against theft and other inappropriate dealings in any case, and that, if anyone was found to be stealing, for example, that they would be dealt with in an appropriate manner (maybe this would be something the church people decide together – to determine the consequences for breaking the trust within the church family group).
When we have very high Expectations of others, and they do slip up (which they will do at some stage), we feel the disappointment much stronger than if we had expected that people would mess up from time to time but that it would be dealt with appropriately.
There would certainly have been Promises made by his church, explicitly maybe, but definitely implicitly, that nothing like that would go on there, that honesty, integrity and Christian behaviour always prevails. When those Promises are linked to the Expectations he had, even more bricks come crashing down out of the wall when those Promises are not kept.
Mal would also have had Needs that he was relying on his church to meet, such as Safety and Security (financial in particular), maybe a sense of Belonging, and so on. Because of this breakdown of trust, he could also be feeling unsafe in or near a church environment, and may be feeling very alone right now.
On his issue of feeling let down by God:
Just as we have Expectations of people, we also have Expectations of God, some realistic, some not. If Mal had an Expectation, for instance, that God would ‘never allow anything like this to happen’, then I would say that is an unrealistic Expectation that is destined to be broken at some stage. Because God is all powerful and all knowing, many people fall into the trap of believing that all will be perfect and expecting that life will be smooth sailing. That is contrary to what the Bible tells us, and what has been Promised to us, so it is an unrealistic Expectation that it bound to be broken.
Mal would have Needs that he relies on God to meet, just as he was relying on the church to meet some of his Needs. The challenge here is that many people then have specific Expectations about how God will meet those Needs, rather than simply knowing that those Needs will be met in ways that might seem a little strange at times!
God has made many Promises, and Mal, being trained as a youth leader for church, would be well aware of many of those Promises. As far as I’m aware, those Promises are always kept, but again, maybe not always in the way that we Expect.
Here’s what I think Mal needs to do to deal with both the ‘people’ issues and his ‘God’ issues:
1. know first that trust is all about our ability to rely on people, organisations, products and services to deliver an outcome (and that includes God)
2. understand that he was relying on the church, the leaders, and God, to deliver on his Expectations, his Needs, and to keep the Promises they had made to him, and that his trust was resting on the balance of those things (what I call ENPs)
3. examine what Expectations he actually had of the church and its leaders, and of God, what Needs he was relying on them for, and what Promises they had made to him (implicitly and explicitly)
4. become clear what was met and what broken down of those Expectations, Needs and Promises
5. know that he can and must manage his Expectations going forward
6. know that he should seek to have his Needs met by more than one relationship in order to ‘spread the risk’, but that God may meet his Needs in different ways that he Expects
7. in future, really test people on their Promises, and ensure that they are aware of his Expectations and Needs. If they can’t Promise to meet them, he’s going to have problems again. If he maintains unrealistic Expectations of others, and of God, he will have problems in relationships and will continue to feel let down
Thanks again, Des. I hope this helps Mal, and please also let him know that I am happy to talk with him and coach him if he wants to explore this further.
Dear Miss Trust, Thank you so much for your website about trust - it is so important today. I have lost over 50% of my Superannuation because I took advice from a Financial Planner who told me things to invest in. When the market started getting bad at the beginning of last year I spoke to him and told him I was concerned. He told me all was ok as it was just a correction in the stock market and that I need to look to the longer term and to stay invested. Well I am due to retire in 4 years and now do not have any where near enough money in Superannuation so will have to try to stay employed for another 9 years if I can ( I will then be 70). I still have to invest my Superannuation Money though – how can I trust anyone any more when all the big so called experts have got it so wrong and so many company executives have been so greedy - I cannot afford to lose again. What do I do!?? Peter - Stanmore NSW Hi Peter, Thank you for your letter. I’m sorry to hear that you have had a difficult time and are now questioning who you can trust. Unfortunately this is a common problem, especially now given the shifts we are seeing in the marketplace. Many financial planners live and breathe the belief that simply holding firm in the share market will ultimately deliver better returns than most other investments. However, there is also a timing issue that needs to be factored in, such as your issue of wanting to retire and now not having the funds available to do that. I am not qualified to give you investment advice, but in terms of how to trust and who to trust, and can tell you this:
These steps are relevant for any relationship you are entering, and you need to take both steps to be in a position where you can comfortably trust someone and know what to look out for if things begin to change for either of you. Trusting others is a fact of life, we all do it, and we have to in order to survive. Being aware of what trust is and how to know who to trust is not an absolute guarantee that you won’t be hurt again, but you will be much more likely to get it right in future. All the best, Peter. ‘Dear Miss Trust, I keep telling myself that I’m going to exercise more and lose weight, but I never really do anything about it. I’ll get excited about it for a week or so, and then go back to my old ways. Now when I say I’m going to lose 10 kg, I just laugh at myself!’ Kathy – Hornsby Hi Kathy – You are in good company when it comes to this one! The problem is, the fact that you’ve made commitments in the past and have not followed through on those, you’ve broken down your trust in YOU. The fact that you laugh at yourself now says there is no trust, you don’t believe yourself anymore. That’s sad, and it impacts other aspects of your life as well. The message you’re sending yourself is that you are not to be trusted. I’m guessing you want to turn that around! Let’s turn over a new leaf. You need to be very clear about what you are committing, promising yourself that you are going to do – for example, go to the gym 3 days a week, go for a 20 minute walk each morning before you shower, cut your meal sizes down by a third (I’m not a health expert here, just repeating what I’ve been told over the years!). You need to be clear about why you want to lose weight. Just saying you want to lose weight is not enough. Is it because you want to feel better about yourself (it’s an Esteem driven need), you want to fit into the beautiful clothes you have in your wardrobe that are just too tight right now (you don’t want to spend more money), or you want to fit in with others (you want a sense of belonging that you don’t feel you have right now). Whatever your reason, get clear about it, and feel what that result is going to do for you – that’s your motivation. Now, promise yourself that you are going to do the things you say you are going to do. Every time you make excuses, press the snooze button, stay back at work and miss the gym, or serve yourself seconds, you’ve chipped away at your own self trust. Every time you stick to it and keep the promises you make to yourself, you get a little stronger, you feel better about who you are, you feel happier, more successful, more confident, not just because you will lose the weight, but because you begin to trust yourself more, and that is the secret to true success! -END- Send in your questions now to . You'll receive a response within 5 days, and our favourite ones for the week will receive a FREE copy of The simple truth about trust in e-book form. NOTE: This should not be taken as personal advice and whilst we take incredible care in our responses to you, if you have any concerns, you should still consult a doctor, health care professional or counsellor for more specific help. They'll take your whole self into account, where we are simply answering your questions generally. |
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