Ask Miss Trust

BRAND NEW, and because I get asked so many questions that I figured many of you would benefit from, I’ve set up , for you to send in your questions and we’ll answer them for you.

Here are some of my most recent favourite ones:

Dear Miss Trust,

I am a confident entrepreneur. I’ve been setting up businesses since I was 25, and loving it, except for one thing. While everyone agrees that they love my products and services, sales have never been that great. Many of my friends constantly tell me I’m ahead of my time. While that’s a confidence boost in some ways, it still doesn’t solve the problem. Can you help?

Julia 37

Hi Julia,

Firstly, you go girl! Good on you for having the trust in yourself to follow your dreams and keep putting yourself out there. Now what we need to do is get you building trust with your market. The good thing is, you are already very good at the basic principles of building trust, and that is what has helped you so far.

One of the challenges when you have something that is a little different and innovative is that people don’t know what to Expect. We like to be able to put things into boxes – it’s how we classify things and deal with them in our minds (it’s a bit like ‘this tastes a bit like chicken’ when we try different meats).

So your first job is to:

identify your market
find out what they Expect from your product or service
if they don’t know, your job is to tell them
if they Expect something different than what your product or serviced offers, you need to manage their Expectations

The next thing you need to do is:

find out what they Need (I use Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs)
find out what their strongest Need is, the real driver for them
determine how your products and services meet that Need

The last thing you need to do is:

check what you are currently Promising them in your marketing and sales process
make sure your Implicit and Explicit Promises match the Expectations and Needs of your market
if their Expectations are different from what you can Promise, you need to address that by explaining what they can Expect and how that will meet their driving Need
be careful to ensure that your implicit Promises (the things your are suggesting in your branding and in your behaviour) are also matching their Expectations and Needs

Do these things and you will notice a difference in your sales. At the end of the day, if you are very creative and innovative but your products and services do not meet the Expectations and Needs of your market, you will continue to have problems selling. Get this right, and enjoy the results!

We address more issues like this in the 7 truths about trust every salesperson needs to know, which you can buy here.

All the best, Julia, and let me know how you go.

Miss Trust

Dear Miss Trust,

I have been in an on again/off again relationship with my (now) ex partner for six months. She has commitment issues that I believe date back to when her parents split up and her mother blamed her. She also has emotional problems dealing with the fact that she is more muscly than I am (she has a swimers build and I have a distance runner's). This dates back to when her grandma was always telling her to lose weight and also her ex husband did the same (Her body is basically flawless!). This on again off again cycle absolutely destroyed my emotions to the point where one night when she broke the news of another 'off' stage, I lost it and yelled at her and threw a water bottle across the room. She took this as me throwing it at her and felt physically unsafe.

I should point out that my partner had been raped by an ex bf many years ago that she is obviously not come to terms with. Her step sister was also murdered by an ex lover. She told me later that she was scared for her safety and thought I really would hurt her. She then spent six weeks where I only saw her three times forr only a couple of hours. I then went interstate for a couple of weeks whereas she decided that I really am the one for her and confessed this to me and her family. Consequently, I came back a week early.

We spent a fantastic week together and began a tropical holiday. On the second night of our holiday she was emotionally distant to which I pushed (emotionally) for some intimacy (trying to hold her hand and just hug). At this point she ran away and locked herself in the bathroom fearing for her safety again. So, day later I came home without her and she came back at the conclusion of the holiday. Since then, she has stayed at my place (on the lounge) trying to make it work (as friends first).

She says that logically she knows that I would never hurt her, but subconsciously, she still feels very unsafe here (at night especially). She moved all her gear out today. I am doing all I can to make her feel safe including giving her all the physical and emotional space she needs, being her friend, (sometimes I allude to how good the old relationship was or call her 'babe'etc) and just try to be the all round nice guy that I am. However, she seems to be getting worse around me and growing more distant.

I love this woman more than I have loved anyone previously, and during the good times, she has told me the same. I have also since found out that two days after the water bottle incident, she started being interested in another guy (who is actually a very arrogant womaniser who happens to be taller and more muscly than I). She continued this until we got back together.
She really wants the relationship to work and is fighting the urge to run away again; however, I can't seem to be able to make her feel safe anymore. What am I doing wrong, and what can i do to demonstrate that she can feel safe enough to trust me again. In addition to that, how am I going to be able to repair the emotional holes in my heart that she has created by coming and going so many times (seven all up) in order to be able to trust her to be consistent with her emotions and not go after this other guy again. It has

She is unable to attend counselling for the next 18 months as she is on a very time and emotionally-intensive and draining course where she is basically 'captured' during the week.

I am terrified that I will lose someone who I genuinely I believe that I could love and cherish fro the rest of my life.

Thankyou

Dan

Hi Dan,

You sound like a nice guy who is genuinely in love, which I respect and admire. Thank you for reaching out for some advice on your relationship.

There are a couple of things here that I'll address for you:

1. Given your girlfriend's background and her behaviour to date, she sounds like she has negative Expectations about her safety. What I mean by that is that she actually Expects to be unsafe. This happens when we experience repeated behaviours from others, and even though it was other people and not you, the story I believe she may be telling herself is that she is unsafe around men.

The difficulty with negative Expectations is that even though you are Promising her that she is safe with you, she will actually go out of her way to prove her Negative Expectation is right and that you are wrong. This is a subconscious behaviour, and we all do it.

The only way you can help her shift this Negative Expectation is to prove to her that things are different with you. She needs to recognise that her feelings and beliefs are valid with some people, but that she can Expect something different from you.

2. One of the challenges in building trusting relationships is that it takes two. There are two parts to the ENP Wall that I talk about in my books and articles. You have Expectations and Needs that your girlfriend needs to Promise to be able to meet for you in order for you to have a trusting relationship with her. Likewise, she has Expectations and Needs of you that you need to Promise to meet for her. If either of you cannot meet the other's Expectations and Needs, there will be issues. This is the basis of relationship breakdowns.

What I suggest is that you talk with her about what you Expect from her and what you Need (ie why those things are important to you - how they meet your Need for Safety, for Love and Belonging, for Esteem and respect, etc). She should do the same with you so you are both clear about where you stand. Both of you may need to adjust some of your Expectations (she will need to adjust hers as I mentioned in point 1), but only do this where you are willing and happy to do so.

3. Although you said that your girlfriend cannot commit to counselling due to other commitments, I'd recommend that she does seek some professional help. She has some big issues she needs to clear in order for her to have healthy relationships going forward. Sometimes talking about things and using the ENP structure with some coaching is enough to get relationships on track, but sometimes there is a need for some deeper counselling.

Dan - I wish you all the very best. As your question to Miss Trust was our favourite for the week, please also find attached The simple truth about trust e-book.

If you would like some coaching around this issue, please contact our office on 02 8889 0888.

Remember - trust is fragile. Handle it with care.

Miss Trust

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